Family Photo Shoot 2012

It's been 5 years since we had professional pictures done for our family.  Here's a few of the ones we recently had taken.  I'm refraining from making comments about how I look.  *eye roll*

My life without Facebook

Here I go, ready to tackle the world without Facebook!  Oh *gasp*  Why would anyone want to do that?

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired of the drama.  I'm tired of fake friends and people who just want to spy on me.  I know, I know, how is the blog thing any different?  I'm not sure, but somehow this feels different to me.  I have no commitment to anyone here.  I can say what I like and be done with it.  If no one comments, great.  If someone does, awesome.  I am not obligated to say anything to anyone but myself....and I'm a selfish person right now.  I have to be or I'm just never going to heal emotionally.

That's what it all boils down to.  I need to heal emotionally.  I have a lifetime of healing to do and I have only skimmed the surface in that area.

On the way out to the farm to get milk today, a song came on that is very dear to my heart.  It's "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson.  She talks about the pain of her childhood and how she still to this day can't trust anyone, including herself.  Every time I hear that song, I cry because it's MY story.

So, I'm crying while driving and singing and pouring my heart out.  Yeah, that's not good to do while driving!!  Good thing I was on country roads, y'all!  Yikes!  Each time I hear this song, I do heal a little bit.  Today I think the Lord showed me that my parents hurt me because THEY were hurt themselves.  It's such a horrible cycle.  I know things about their pasts that ARE very hurtful and no doubt wrecked them emotionally.  They couldn't help but turn around and hurt their child, right?  WRONG. I think we have the choice to STOP the cycle.  We can say I'm not doing this anymore.  The BUCK STOPS HERE as Harry Truman said.

The buck stops with me.  I'm not going to hurt my children and if I have hurt them, I'm going to make it up to them as best I can so that THEY won't hurt their children.  Somewhere along the line we're not going to have a family history of hurting other people and I'm going to be a part of that.

SO, yes I left Facebook.  My intentions are to remain gone for the Summer months.  I need to focus on my kidlets and my tan.  Wow, my priorities are in order huh?  LOL  Vitamin D is good for you, by gosh!  Facebook is something that has the potential to hurt my kids if I don't watch it.  I have spent more time on that blasted social networking site than I care to mention.  Maybe some day I'll be ready to talk about that.  I'm ready to just break that habit right now.  So I'm done.  I deactivated my account today.  It'll be there waiting for me when IF I decide to go back.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, so I probably will be blogging a lot more often.  Maybe even daily.  Stay tuned :)

My Madi Grace

Last night I decided I needed some one on one time with my baby girl.  Ok, now this "baby" is actually turning 10 in a little over a month, but she's MY baby girl.  She is immature in some ways, but I'm VERY ok with that.  Let me tell you a bit about my time with my girl last night and why this child is so special.  First, a bit of a disclaimer though.  I do NOT have a favorite child.  It's not within me to have more affection for one over the other.  Each of my 4 children is special in their own way, for their own reasons.  I have plans to blog about each of them, but the first one is going to be my Madilen.

The reason she's so dear to my heart is for so many reasons.  She's my baby, she's my only brown eyed child (like me), she's so affectionate, she's cuddly, she's sensitive, she's passionate......but the number one reason is probably because she is ME in every way.  This is why this is so important to me......

I wasn't a very happy child.  I won't go into all of that right now.  Most who know me, know the background stuff and I don't need to rehash that.  Overall, I played a good part, pretended to be happy, smiled a lot, etc etc.  I was a miserable child inside, dying slowly emotionally speaking. 

My Madilen Grace looks so much like me......she has brown hair and brown eyes, my only brown eyed child.  How weird considering "they" usually say brown eyes are dominant.  When I look at her, it's like I'm seeing myself as a child, only happy......truly, genuinely happy in every way.  She enjoys life to the fullest!  She's mouthy like me, she's stubborn and passionate about everything!  She's emotional and she feels things deeply.  She's a crier and she loves to be comforted. 

So last night, she asked me to read her a book at bedtime.  We read "How To Be A Superhero"....what fun!  Then we read some of a book of Children's Bible stories and afterward just talked.  I asked her random questions and we snuggled.  I gave her smoochies and squeezed her tightly.  I felt like I was hugging myself and something deep inside me melted.

I may not have been a happy child, but I can be one now.....through my Madi girl.  God has blessed me so much by giving me this child.  The pain of my past is melting away a little more each day as I hear her talk, see her play and watch her live life with JOY.