RESPECT?

Big smack in the head for me today.  I'm trying to reinvent my "parenting style" because the way I was raised just isn't working for me as a parent.  Trying to find my own way these days.  I swear, I must have tried EVERYTHING out there in my almost 23 years of being a mom.

My children sometimes ask me to do things for them and if I don't want to or I'm busy I'll tell them "later".  YET, when I ask them to do things, I sometimes (used to) expect them to do it NOW, no questions, don't make me tell you twice, etc. 

Hmmm, how is that OK? 

I have been pondering this lately and today it really hit home when my daughter asked me to do something for her.  I honestly didn't FEEL like dropping what I was doing and doing what she wanted me to do, but I did.  I felt like wait a minute, this will literally take probably 5 minutes at most.  Why can't you do this for her?  So I did....and I didn't do it begrudgingly, but I did it lovingly because it was important to her.

  I know some people say it's a "respect" thing, but let me tell you friends, respect isn't automatic as far as I'm concerned.  I don't even believe it should be.  I think it should be MUTUAL.   I grew up in a home where respect was DEMANDED, yet my parents were not deserving of respect.  They were NOT kind to me, yet commanded that I respect them simply because they were my parents.  My grandparents were the same way.  My gma used to tell me "respect your elders".  I see a huge problem with this, to be honest.  Children have been abused and used because they were taught to respect their elders without question. 

I refuse to demand respect from my children any longer.  I plan to extend to them the same kind of courtesy and respect that I would like them to give me.  I don't think that makes me less of a parent and I don't believe that it means they are "in control".  It doesn't take away the position I have as mother.  It shows them that I love them and that what they need from me is important.

Family Photo Shoot 2012

It's been 5 years since we had professional pictures done for our family.  Here's a few of the ones we recently had taken.  I'm refraining from making comments about how I look.  *eye roll*

My life without Facebook

Here I go, ready to tackle the world without Facebook!  Oh *gasp*  Why would anyone want to do that?

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired of the drama.  I'm tired of fake friends and people who just want to spy on me.  I know, I know, how is the blog thing any different?  I'm not sure, but somehow this feels different to me.  I have no commitment to anyone here.  I can say what I like and be done with it.  If no one comments, great.  If someone does, awesome.  I am not obligated to say anything to anyone but myself....and I'm a selfish person right now.  I have to be or I'm just never going to heal emotionally.

That's what it all boils down to.  I need to heal emotionally.  I have a lifetime of healing to do and I have only skimmed the surface in that area.

On the way out to the farm to get milk today, a song came on that is very dear to my heart.  It's "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson.  She talks about the pain of her childhood and how she still to this day can't trust anyone, including herself.  Every time I hear that song, I cry because it's MY story.

So, I'm crying while driving and singing and pouring my heart out.  Yeah, that's not good to do while driving!!  Good thing I was on country roads, y'all!  Yikes!  Each time I hear this song, I do heal a little bit.  Today I think the Lord showed me that my parents hurt me because THEY were hurt themselves.  It's such a horrible cycle.  I know things about their pasts that ARE very hurtful and no doubt wrecked them emotionally.  They couldn't help but turn around and hurt their child, right?  WRONG. I think we have the choice to STOP the cycle.  We can say I'm not doing this anymore.  The BUCK STOPS HERE as Harry Truman said.

The buck stops with me.  I'm not going to hurt my children and if I have hurt them, I'm going to make it up to them as best I can so that THEY won't hurt their children.  Somewhere along the line we're not going to have a family history of hurting other people and I'm going to be a part of that.

SO, yes I left Facebook.  My intentions are to remain gone for the Summer months.  I need to focus on my kidlets and my tan.  Wow, my priorities are in order huh?  LOL  Vitamin D is good for you, by gosh!  Facebook is something that has the potential to hurt my kids if I don't watch it.  I have spent more time on that blasted social networking site than I care to mention.  Maybe some day I'll be ready to talk about that.  I'm ready to just break that habit right now.  So I'm done.  I deactivated my account today.  It'll be there waiting for me when IF I decide to go back.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, so I probably will be blogging a lot more often.  Maybe even daily.  Stay tuned :)

My Madi Grace

Last night I decided I needed some one on one time with my baby girl.  Ok, now this "baby" is actually turning 10 in a little over a month, but she's MY baby girl.  She is immature in some ways, but I'm VERY ok with that.  Let me tell you a bit about my time with my girl last night and why this child is so special.  First, a bit of a disclaimer though.  I do NOT have a favorite child.  It's not within me to have more affection for one over the other.  Each of my 4 children is special in their own way, for their own reasons.  I have plans to blog about each of them, but the first one is going to be my Madilen.

The reason she's so dear to my heart is for so many reasons.  She's my baby, she's my only brown eyed child (like me), she's so affectionate, she's cuddly, she's sensitive, she's passionate......but the number one reason is probably because she is ME in every way.  This is why this is so important to me......

I wasn't a very happy child.  I won't go into all of that right now.  Most who know me, know the background stuff and I don't need to rehash that.  Overall, I played a good part, pretended to be happy, smiled a lot, etc etc.  I was a miserable child inside, dying slowly emotionally speaking. 

My Madilen Grace looks so much like me......she has brown hair and brown eyes, my only brown eyed child.  How weird considering "they" usually say brown eyes are dominant.  When I look at her, it's like I'm seeing myself as a child, only happy......truly, genuinely happy in every way.  She enjoys life to the fullest!  She's mouthy like me, she's stubborn and passionate about everything!  She's emotional and she feels things deeply.  She's a crier and she loves to be comforted. 

So last night, she asked me to read her a book at bedtime.  We read "How To Be A Superhero"....what fun!  Then we read some of a book of Children's Bible stories and afterward just talked.  I asked her random questions and we snuggled.  I gave her smoochies and squeezed her tightly.  I felt like I was hugging myself and something deep inside me melted.

I may not have been a happy child, but I can be one now.....through my Madi girl.  God has blessed me so much by giving me this child.  The pain of my past is melting away a little more each day as I hear her talk, see her play and watch her live life with JOY.

A letter to my friends and family

Dear friends and family,

I'm tired of stressing out over how my home looks when you suddenly arrive or even when you plan to arrive well in advance.  I often stay up late into the wee hours of the night cleaning cracks and crevices that you never even notice, but that I somehow THINK you'll notice if I don't clean.

Today I'm declaring I'm not doing that anymore.  We live here, our house is lived in.  Yes, I know that some of you are the epitome of awesomeness and manage to put your spotlessly clean home as your number 1 priority.  I marvel when I come into your homes how amazingly fresh smelling and beautiful your abode is.  I wish I were you on some level, but I'm not.

So I woke up today feeling a confession on my heart and here it is.

My tub needs to be cleaned.......badly.  Good thing you're not here to take a bath.  So I'll shut the curtain.  If you look in there, that's your problem. Speaking of the bathroom, I noticed this morning that the corners in my bathroom have some serious dust bunnies.  I'm sorry, but I don't have time to clean those today.  I did, however, clean the toilet, wipe out the sink and put up a new hand towel prior to your arrival.  Yeah, I'm cool like that.

I probably have dishes in the sink.  That's kind of the way it goes when you have 5 people living here.  Please be happy for us.  That's a sign that we have plenty to eat.

I'm not sure when I last swept the kitchen floor, but I think I saw Greg doing it last night.  I did see that my kids didn't clean up the jelly mess they made on the kitchen table.  I may or may not wipe that off right away.

I see that the laundry basket is overflowing in the hall way.  I tried to pick up the clothes enough so that you won't have to step on anything.  Again, I blame this on the fact that we have 5 people who wear clothes and I don't feel like doing laundry every single day of the week.

Ah, let's address the dogs.  Yes, I realize I'm not the normal person here.  I have 5 dogs who live inside.  I'm just praying that the delicious Scentsy pots I have strategically placed around my home counteract the doggie smell on some level.  If you leave here with a dog hair on your shirt, I apologize, but yeah, they kinda live here too.

I think I might try to move the pile of clean laundry from the couch before you arrive, but if you see a stray sock or wash cloth here and there, please don't be alarmed. 

I am tired of stressing before you arrive.  You see, cleaning my home to a show room condition has never been on MY priority list.  My grandma (pick one, this applies to them all) would be mortified to know I rarely make my bed,  I don't vacuum the carpet on a schedule and I sometimes don't dust the furniture/tv, etc until I see someone has left me a note on it.  

I believe there's a difference in unsanitary living conditions and a home being loved and lived in.  My home is the latter.

If you're here and I don't have a look of panic on my face when you step in, it's because I love you enough to welcome you into our home, just as it is.  You're one of us. 

I'm done stressing out over the condition of my home.  Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.

Sincerely,
Me

I Need Him

I know a lot of women pride themselves on NOT needing a man.....but I am so thankful that I CAN'T do it all and much of the time NEED Greg to do things for me. 

 I love that he's stronger than me and knows more about certain things than I do.  I love that he wraps his arms around me and makes me feel secure.  I love that he leads me through a crowd while holding my hand.  I love that he holds doors open for me after almost 19 years together.   I love that he's my "covering" and when we're apart I don't quite feel complete.  I love the way he respects me and how he thinks I'm beautiful even when I don't have my hair fixed or make up on.

I love that we live an "old school" style life.....with me at home and him being the sole financial provider for our family.  I  love that he doesn't control me in any way, but yet I always ask him for his opinion before I make a decision.  I love that he wants me at home and that everything he has is mine.  He withholds nothing from me.

   I frequently ask him....Honey why do you love me?  His first response is always "because you're my baby".  I usually say "what else" and he responds...."because you take care of me". 

I love that I need my man and I love the fact that he needs me.

Sugar.....REALLY?

I was going through my fridge to discard things that had sugar in them.  I was thinking oh there won't be much because we've already cut back so much in the last few years.  Imagine my surprise when I threw out a TON of things.  Things I had no idea even had sugar in them.  Wow.

Now I'm just kind of mad.  Even while trying to avoid sugar and eating healthier.....all this time thinking what is wrong with me that I struggle so much to lose weight when we're doing SO well on how we eat.....

We've been eating a LOT of sugar all along. Why is this necessary?  Even my kids see how odd this is.  Pnut called to my attention that the "Salad Toppins" had sugar in them.  WHY?  They aren't supposed to taste sweet.  They DON'T taste sweet.  WHY add sugar?

We're a sugar addicted family even though we thought we were aware of our sugar intake.  I guess I haven't been reading labels well enough. I  thought I had gotten so good at that.  I started to make some ranch dressing using the mayo that I THOUGHT was safe to use.....sugar right there on the label.  Trash.  Seriously?  I don't use sugar in my homemade mayo.  Wow.

More work for me to feed my family, but cooking completely from scratch is what I'm going to have to do.  Day 2 of no sugar and I'm already MAD....I just kind of figured I'd be mad that I couldn't have sugar.  Instead I'm mad that I can't seem to avoid sugar.  Go me! ;)

My buddy...my favorite soldier....he's my Jonny.

I figured it was about time I wrote a blog post about the guy everyone has come to know through my numerous postings on Facebook.  That guy is Jon.

I met Jonny when I was 7 years old.  34 years later here we are.  

I moved across the street from Jonny and we quickly became best friends, spending every free waking moment together.  If I wasn't in school or sleeping, you could probably find me with him.  We were both raised as only children by single moms.  We both had other siblings but didn't see them much at all, hence the "only child" thing.  

Jon always wanted to be in the Army.  He wore camouflage everything!  He drove me nuts with his constant talk about the Army.  

Jonny and I rode bikes, swam at the local pool, ran around the neighborhood, played in the mud, built forts in my back yard, played in his basement, recorded "radio shows" on his cassette player, went to the movies, went out to eat (by ourselves mind you, haha, all grown up), went trick or treating, etc etc.  Ok, that's just a short list of the things we did together.  You get the idea.

We made a decision to follow Christ on the same day and were baptized after one another.  If I remember correctly, I was dunked right before he was. :) We took our first communion together. 

We went to church camp together and, in about my 11th year of life.....that's when I got my first kiss.  Yeah, that was Jonny Humphrey too.  I'll never forget we were just talking and then SMACK, he planted one on me! Ok.....seriously, I looked at him, started crying and ran straight to my cabin.  I plopped on my bed and bawled my eyes out.  A friend came in and asked what was wrong and all I could say was "WHY DID MY BEST FRIEND JUST KISS ME"?  LOL Jon was so upset that he had made me cry.  He apologized for kissing me, but honestly friends......I have to say I'm glad it was him now that I look back on it. I mean seriously, it could've been some creep, but instead it was my best friend.  Yeah, well that sounds creepier than it actually is.  ROFL!

A short time later I moved about 5 hrs away.  *sigh*  That was rough.  Had to make a new life with new friends and none were like Jon.  We kept in touch by writing letters.  Yep, that was the 80's so there was no texting or email.  I loved my letters from my buddy.

Another few years later and I moved back to my home town.  We did the unthinkable.....we "dated".  Yeah, I think it lasted a whole few weeks.  That just wasn't "us".  I moved yet again during Senior year in high school.  Not knowing people all that well, Senior Prom was coming up and I hadn't been asked.  My first thought went to my buddy.....I called him up and he said of course he would drive down and take me to my prom.  He wore a pink tie even though pink wasn't his "thing"......but he did it for me. :)

When I found myself pregnant with my first child and alone after her father had left me.......Jon called me every week to check up on me.  He was going through his AIT training with the Army and was stationed in North Carolina at the time.  I will never forget those calls.  Sometimes all that kept me going through that really lonely and scary time was hearing his voice on the phone.

Shortly after the birth of my first child, life set in......Jon was busy with his Army career and I was married with a child.  We ended up drifting apart for quite a few years, but never were far from each others hearts.  I thought of Jon often and I told my children about my best friend.

My first husband didn't want me to have a friendship with Jon, so I didn't.  I was honoring his wishes.  Jon married and had the same situation with a wife that didn't want him to have a friendship with me either.  I guess that's uncomfortable for some people and I respect that.  It was hard, I won't kid you.  My heart always longed to have my BROTHER in my life.  That's what he truly was to me. 

SO, fast forward to 2011.  I had been married to my WONDERFUL Greg for 18 years.  He knew all about Jon and fully accepted him as my brother.  He knew how important that relationship had always been to me.  I swear......there is no other man like my husband.  He's a gem among gems.  Anyway.....I get an email from Jon......it just said, Hey Steph, are you there?

That was the beginning of the renewing of a strong friendship that had begun so long ago.   Jon was on his last deployment and in Afghanistan.  He needed some family and friendship......and he knew in his heart that I would be there for him.

So what can I really say.......that's a really condensed version.  Not a lot of people understand this relationship.  I've been told by some that it's wrong because men and women shouldn't be that close when they're not married to each other.  I used to let that bother me.  No one would say a thing if he and I had the same parents, now would they, if we were biologically brother and sister?  hmmm, I think not.  But then I have my husband Greg.......who holds me when I cry because I'm scared for Jon's life when he's deployed.  Seriously.......who does that?  Yeah, Greg does.  Because he knows.....he knows the integral part that Jon played in my life.  He knows that without Jon's friendship and bond that I wouldn't be the person I am today.  He knows that I need my brother.  So, I've pretty much decided no one else has an opinion that matters.  That's the last time I'm going to defend my position on that matter! 

So yeah, he's a pretty special guy.....that brother of mine.  I'm so proud of the man he's grown into.  The wanna-be Army kid who grew up to be the Army man.  He's fought and served our country for almost 24 years and I couldn't be prouder.  

After picking him up from his deployment today, I cried a few tears, yeah, no surprise.  I also thanked God for bringing Jon back into my life......for GOOD this time.  My God is so good to me. 

GED? No Thanks!

I recently got an offer to receive a free eBook entitled "Homeschool to Grad School". I totally agreed with the book's opinion that homeschool children shouldn't take the GED.  That spurs this blog post.

I have known some very wonderful people who studied hard and obtained their GED.  That is THEIR decision and their choice, which is not my business. I just believe that in the case of MY home educated children, it is not necessary.  I will NOT ask them to take it and I will discourage them from it.  However, if THEY feel it is necessary once they are adults, then of course that will be their decision.  It is my hope that they will see the value in their home education and not need validation from a state entity in that way.

Some people wonder if my children will be taking the GED in order to "graduate".  They are stunned when my answer is NO WAY.  Greg and I feel that we are absolutely not only qualified but are directed and "accredited" by Yahweh to be the authority that says they are "done" with their home education.  A GED implies "drop out" to the world and I don't want them to have that label.  Home educated children aren't drop outs, but are intelligent, free thinking, unique individuals.  Greg and I are doing our very best, directed by our Heavenly Father, to facilitate the best learning environment possible for our children. 

Some might say well, how will they get a job or how will they get into college without an "official" diploma?  Official is in the eyes of the beholder.  It's worldly thinking and I won't submit to that.   I believe that just as the Lord told me very clearly one day to "TAKE THOSE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL", HE will provide everything they need and will direct their steps for whatever path HE leads them to.  The world is not their guiding authority, our ABBA Father is.

That's my soap box moment for today.  Thank you very much for your time!

My life in pictures- Project 366 Week 1

Sometimes getting on the computer every day is a chore for me.  SO, with that in mind, I've decided to change my Project 366 a bit.  I am going to start posting weekly and include pics from every day during the week.

Here are some things that were meaningful to me this week.

My baby girl

My bigger baby girl

Grossss!  I can't even believe I'm showing my bedroom "BEFORE" pic.  bleck!

Hallelujah!  Here's the "AFTER"!  Now just remove the before pic from your mind.  LOL

Made this at camp one year for my Gma B. 

My decluttered kitchen.  YAY!

My girlies made cookies

Mom and dad kiss is courtesy of the youngest.  Mom is so beautiful was from my honey and the monkey thing....well, that's my attempt at humor. :)

Our oldest boy Max, age 11.  Love him :)  Holly Rose in the background.

Holly girl

I really want to hate this dog, but my look how he sucks me in with his cuteness and those stupid FLOBBY ears!!! ARGGG!

My life in pics this week. Thanks for stopping by!

The Good Wife

I don't think any of us wives set out to be BAD wives, but somewhere along the way it can happen.  We get too comfortable in our marriage or perhaps we genuinely have something tragic happen in our relationship and it happens.....we turn into nagging hags.

Yeah, I don't wanna be her.  Although that does kinda look like me on occasion.  LOL

Ok, so I haven't always been a bad wife.  I haven't always nagged him and been hard to live with.  There was a time in our marriage when I was quite an awesome wife, in fact. But let's move forward from that and talk about when I wasn't a good wife.

The last 2 years have been the most difficult of our 18 years together.  We found ourselves in a dire financial situation and he was out of a job that he'd had for 18 years.  We had no money, a lot of debt and I quite frankly didn't understand any of it.  I started pulling back from everything and every one.  I spent a lot of time crying in my bedroom.  I nagged Greg when he was here and I nagged him via text and phone calls when he wasn't. All I could ever say was "I WANT MY LIFE BACK and I want my husband back".  I am sure all he wanted to say was "I WANT MY WIFE BACK", yet he never did.  He never complained.  He found a new better paying job and worked a 2nd job as well.  I complained about that too.  We never saw him and that was a huge complaint.

I'll just flat out admit that several times in the last 2 years, I didn't think we were gonna make it.  I don't exactly know what that even means really, but we weren't going to survive that time in our marriage.....that's all I knew.

Then one Saturday in September 2011, he came home from work, sat in front of me and said "I'm quitting my job".  I had no idea what that even meant.  Greg isn't a lazy guy.  He doesn't just quit a job.  He was done with the long hours.  He was done with not seeing us and I think more than anything, he was done with not having a good marriage anymore.  He said that God was moving him in this direction.  At the end of October 2011, he worked his last day punching a time clock. He works for himself now.  He does odd jobs and hauls pallets for a living now.  He has quite a few places that give him pallets for free and in turn he sells them to places that pay.

I've struggled with this whole situation.  I know that my husband doesn't act unless God is speaking to him.  So on one hand I KNOW this is God's will for my husband.  Yet, I'm seeing how much we're struggling financially and it scares me to the core.

But, I've decided to incline my heart towards the Lord in EVERY situation we face.  He has spoken to my spirit about being a GOOD wife once again.  I've got to be supportive and meet Greg's needs so that HE can go out and do what the Lord is calling him to do for our family.  He CANNOT under any circumstances have a nagging wife at home.  He has to have NO stress at home.

The first "good wife" move I've made is getting up just a bit before he does to prepare a hot breakfast.  I know this isn't even important to some husbands, but mine loves it.  He loves my cooking.  The last 2 years I haven't cooked him breakfast more than a handful of times.  You see, I let MY hurt over the craziness in our lives get in the way of blessing him.  I decided recently that the breakfast routine HAD to start again.  Only a few days in and I could see a change in his attitude in the mornings.  He's always been a very pleasant man, but sitting down to breakfast with me in the mornings makes him an even more pleasant man.

Guess what?  It also changes HIS heart.  He gets his breakfast and in turn, he feels more inclined to give me something that is very important to me.  He prays with me.  Every morning before he leaves, now he prays with me and for me. We weren't doing that during those 2 hard years.  My husband isn't an eloquent speaker, but his prayers are deep and meaningful.  He feels every word of his prayer and he believes our Abba Father will deliver.

This morning as he kissed me goodbye and said I love you, he also offered a blessing for my day.  He told me to put on my praise music and sing while I worked.  He offered me that beautiful smile and headed out the door.

Friends, I don't really SEE how the Lord is going to provide for us right now, but this morning I FELT it in my spirit.  Things are REALLY hard financially right now.  We are both self employed.  Greg took a leap of faith in October and quit his job that paid very well.  We now make only a fraction of what we used to.  Yet, every day he tells me.......it's going to be ok, God is going to give me more work and one day, we're going to have more than enough. Every single day this man tells me....it's going to be ok.

I'm going to do my part.  Right now, fixing a hot breakfast every morning is my part in this equation and it's vitally important to our relationship.   It's my first step in becoming a good wife again.

New Year's Day 2012

I've been looking back on some blog posts from 2011 and I'm amazed at myself.  In some areas, I've really come a long way.  In other areas, I see that I really didn't move or  change at all.  I'm kind of blah about that, not sure what I can really say other than I'M HUMAN, so sue me.  Ok, no really don't sue me.  I'm quite broke. ;)

I have a desire to be a much better person.  I have a desire to get my priorities back in order and to get out of the sludge I've found myself in for quite some time.

SO, in order to do that, I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and just MOVE.  I'm reminded of one of my old favorite songs by FFH called Lord, Move or Move Me.



I've been stuck in a rut.  Our pastor even talked about that in his message today.  No matter how hard you try, sometimes you're stuck and you can't get out.  That's where I'm going to have to rely on the Lord to move me.  It's going to be uncomfortable at times and I'm going to feel like giving up now and then, I'm sure.  But, I refuse to stay in the same place. 

Sometimes I think we come to a point in our lives where it's do or die.  I'm there.  I'm going to be a better person in 2012.  A better disciple, wife, mom, daughter, friend.  I'm going to be a better Stephanie to myself too, treat myself better and love on myself a little more.

I'm also going to see a huge change in our financial situation this year and I feel that so deeply.  Maybe on December 31, 2012 I will share the full extent of how I know that.  I made the Lord a promise today......and I'll share that here in about 365 days from now. :)

I've had a pretty rough 2 years, but 2012 is going to be different.  I haven't felt that the last two years.  I think I even faked it a time or two and tried to make other people believe that.  This year I believe it.  I'm a Star Trek Next Generation fan, so my next statement will only sound stupid if you don't watch that show.

MAKE IT SO NUMBER 1.

Jan 1, 2012 Project 366 Day 1

Here I go again.  Started this last year and didn't make it all that far.  Had some sort of nervous breakdown, I think.  HA!  Well, at least I can laugh at myself.

This year is going to be different.  I can feel it like I've never felt it before.  I don't typically make "resolutions", but this year I feel like making some changes.  The turn of the calendar always makes me feel like "new".

My first Project 366 picture is old fashioned, pass your friend a note in school type notes! I thought it would be fun to show my kidlets what I used to do in class instead of texting.  This concept is so foreign to them.  Makes me laugh at how old I truly have become.

Oh and in case someone is wondering about Project 366....yeah, next this year is a Leap Year, so we get an extra day ;)