My life without Facebook

Here I go, ready to tackle the world without Facebook!  Oh *gasp*  Why would anyone want to do that?

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired of the drama.  I'm tired of fake friends and people who just want to spy on me.  I know, I know, how is the blog thing any different?  I'm not sure, but somehow this feels different to me.  I have no commitment to anyone here.  I can say what I like and be done with it.  If no one comments, great.  If someone does, awesome.  I am not obligated to say anything to anyone but myself....and I'm a selfish person right now.  I have to be or I'm just never going to heal emotionally.

That's what it all boils down to.  I need to heal emotionally.  I have a lifetime of healing to do and I have only skimmed the surface in that area.

On the way out to the farm to get milk today, a song came on that is very dear to my heart.  It's "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson.  She talks about the pain of her childhood and how she still to this day can't trust anyone, including herself.  Every time I hear that song, I cry because it's MY story.

So, I'm crying while driving and singing and pouring my heart out.  Yeah, that's not good to do while driving!!  Good thing I was on country roads, y'all!  Yikes!  Each time I hear this song, I do heal a little bit.  Today I think the Lord showed me that my parents hurt me because THEY were hurt themselves.  It's such a horrible cycle.  I know things about their pasts that ARE very hurtful and no doubt wrecked them emotionally.  They couldn't help but turn around and hurt their child, right?  WRONG. I think we have the choice to STOP the cycle.  We can say I'm not doing this anymore.  The BUCK STOPS HERE as Harry Truman said.

The buck stops with me.  I'm not going to hurt my children and if I have hurt them, I'm going to make it up to them as best I can so that THEY won't hurt their children.  Somewhere along the line we're not going to have a family history of hurting other people and I'm going to be a part of that.

SO, yes I left Facebook.  My intentions are to remain gone for the Summer months.  I need to focus on my kidlets and my tan.  Wow, my priorities are in order huh?  LOL  Vitamin D is good for you, by gosh!  Facebook is something that has the potential to hurt my kids if I don't watch it.  I have spent more time on that blasted social networking site than I care to mention.  Maybe some day I'll be ready to talk about that.  I'm ready to just break that habit right now.  So I'm done.  I deactivated my account today.  It'll be there waiting for me when IF I decide to go back.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, so I probably will be blogging a lot more often.  Maybe even daily.  Stay tuned :)

A letter to my friends and family

Dear friends and family,

I'm tired of stressing out over how my home looks when you suddenly arrive or even when you plan to arrive well in advance.  I often stay up late into the wee hours of the night cleaning cracks and crevices that you never even notice, but that I somehow THINK you'll notice if I don't clean.

Today I'm declaring I'm not doing that anymore.  We live here, our house is lived in.  Yes, I know that some of you are the epitome of awesomeness and manage to put your spotlessly clean home as your number 1 priority.  I marvel when I come into your homes how amazingly fresh smelling and beautiful your abode is.  I wish I were you on some level, but I'm not.

So I woke up today feeling a confession on my heart and here it is.

My tub needs to be cleaned.......badly.  Good thing you're not here to take a bath.  So I'll shut the curtain.  If you look in there, that's your problem. Speaking of the bathroom, I noticed this morning that the corners in my bathroom have some serious dust bunnies.  I'm sorry, but I don't have time to clean those today.  I did, however, clean the toilet, wipe out the sink and put up a new hand towel prior to your arrival.  Yeah, I'm cool like that.

I probably have dishes in the sink.  That's kind of the way it goes when you have 5 people living here.  Please be happy for us.  That's a sign that we have plenty to eat.

I'm not sure when I last swept the kitchen floor, but I think I saw Greg doing it last night.  I did see that my kids didn't clean up the jelly mess they made on the kitchen table.  I may or may not wipe that off right away.

I see that the laundry basket is overflowing in the hall way.  I tried to pick up the clothes enough so that you won't have to step on anything.  Again, I blame this on the fact that we have 5 people who wear clothes and I don't feel like doing laundry every single day of the week.

Ah, let's address the dogs.  Yes, I realize I'm not the normal person here.  I have 5 dogs who live inside.  I'm just praying that the delicious Scentsy pots I have strategically placed around my home counteract the doggie smell on some level.  If you leave here with a dog hair on your shirt, I apologize, but yeah, they kinda live here too.

I think I might try to move the pile of clean laundry from the couch before you arrive, but if you see a stray sock or wash cloth here and there, please don't be alarmed. 

I am tired of stressing before you arrive.  You see, cleaning my home to a show room condition has never been on MY priority list.  My grandma (pick one, this applies to them all) would be mortified to know I rarely make my bed,  I don't vacuum the carpet on a schedule and I sometimes don't dust the furniture/tv, etc until I see someone has left me a note on it.  

I believe there's a difference in unsanitary living conditions and a home being loved and lived in.  My home is the latter.

If you're here and I don't have a look of panic on my face when you step in, it's because I love you enough to welcome you into our home, just as it is.  You're one of us. 

I'm done stressing out over the condition of my home.  Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.

Sincerely,
Me

The Good Wife

I don't think any of us wives set out to be BAD wives, but somewhere along the way it can happen.  We get too comfortable in our marriage or perhaps we genuinely have something tragic happen in our relationship and it happens.....we turn into nagging hags.

Yeah, I don't wanna be her.  Although that does kinda look like me on occasion.  LOL

Ok, so I haven't always been a bad wife.  I haven't always nagged him and been hard to live with.  There was a time in our marriage when I was quite an awesome wife, in fact. But let's move forward from that and talk about when I wasn't a good wife.

The last 2 years have been the most difficult of our 18 years together.  We found ourselves in a dire financial situation and he was out of a job that he'd had for 18 years.  We had no money, a lot of debt and I quite frankly didn't understand any of it.  I started pulling back from everything and every one.  I spent a lot of time crying in my bedroom.  I nagged Greg when he was here and I nagged him via text and phone calls when he wasn't. All I could ever say was "I WANT MY LIFE BACK and I want my husband back".  I am sure all he wanted to say was "I WANT MY WIFE BACK", yet he never did.  He never complained.  He found a new better paying job and worked a 2nd job as well.  I complained about that too.  We never saw him and that was a huge complaint.

I'll just flat out admit that several times in the last 2 years, I didn't think we were gonna make it.  I don't exactly know what that even means really, but we weren't going to survive that time in our marriage.....that's all I knew.

Then one Saturday in September 2011, he came home from work, sat in front of me and said "I'm quitting my job".  I had no idea what that even meant.  Greg isn't a lazy guy.  He doesn't just quit a job.  He was done with the long hours.  He was done with not seeing us and I think more than anything, he was done with not having a good marriage anymore.  He said that God was moving him in this direction.  At the end of October 2011, he worked his last day punching a time clock. He works for himself now.  He does odd jobs and hauls pallets for a living now.  He has quite a few places that give him pallets for free and in turn he sells them to places that pay.

I've struggled with this whole situation.  I know that my husband doesn't act unless God is speaking to him.  So on one hand I KNOW this is God's will for my husband.  Yet, I'm seeing how much we're struggling financially and it scares me to the core.

But, I've decided to incline my heart towards the Lord in EVERY situation we face.  He has spoken to my spirit about being a GOOD wife once again.  I've got to be supportive and meet Greg's needs so that HE can go out and do what the Lord is calling him to do for our family.  He CANNOT under any circumstances have a nagging wife at home.  He has to have NO stress at home.

The first "good wife" move I've made is getting up just a bit before he does to prepare a hot breakfast.  I know this isn't even important to some husbands, but mine loves it.  He loves my cooking.  The last 2 years I haven't cooked him breakfast more than a handful of times.  You see, I let MY hurt over the craziness in our lives get in the way of blessing him.  I decided recently that the breakfast routine HAD to start again.  Only a few days in and I could see a change in his attitude in the mornings.  He's always been a very pleasant man, but sitting down to breakfast with me in the mornings makes him an even more pleasant man.

Guess what?  It also changes HIS heart.  He gets his breakfast and in turn, he feels more inclined to give me something that is very important to me.  He prays with me.  Every morning before he leaves, now he prays with me and for me. We weren't doing that during those 2 hard years.  My husband isn't an eloquent speaker, but his prayers are deep and meaningful.  He feels every word of his prayer and he believes our Abba Father will deliver.

This morning as he kissed me goodbye and said I love you, he also offered a blessing for my day.  He told me to put on my praise music and sing while I worked.  He offered me that beautiful smile and headed out the door.

Friends, I don't really SEE how the Lord is going to provide for us right now, but this morning I FELT it in my spirit.  Things are REALLY hard financially right now.  We are both self employed.  Greg took a leap of faith in October and quit his job that paid very well.  We now make only a fraction of what we used to.  Yet, every day he tells me.......it's going to be ok, God is going to give me more work and one day, we're going to have more than enough. Every single day this man tells me....it's going to be ok.

I'm going to do my part.  Right now, fixing a hot breakfast every morning is my part in this equation and it's vitally important to our relationship.   It's my first step in becoming a good wife again.

New Year's Day 2012

I've been looking back on some blog posts from 2011 and I'm amazed at myself.  In some areas, I've really come a long way.  In other areas, I see that I really didn't move or  change at all.  I'm kind of blah about that, not sure what I can really say other than I'M HUMAN, so sue me.  Ok, no really don't sue me.  I'm quite broke. ;)

I have a desire to be a much better person.  I have a desire to get my priorities back in order and to get out of the sludge I've found myself in for quite some time.

SO, in order to do that, I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and just MOVE.  I'm reminded of one of my old favorite songs by FFH called Lord, Move or Move Me.



I've been stuck in a rut.  Our pastor even talked about that in his message today.  No matter how hard you try, sometimes you're stuck and you can't get out.  That's where I'm going to have to rely on the Lord to move me.  It's going to be uncomfortable at times and I'm going to feel like giving up now and then, I'm sure.  But, I refuse to stay in the same place. 

Sometimes I think we come to a point in our lives where it's do or die.  I'm there.  I'm going to be a better person in 2012.  A better disciple, wife, mom, daughter, friend.  I'm going to be a better Stephanie to myself too, treat myself better and love on myself a little more.

I'm also going to see a huge change in our financial situation this year and I feel that so deeply.  Maybe on December 31, 2012 I will share the full extent of how I know that.  I made the Lord a promise today......and I'll share that here in about 365 days from now. :)

I've had a pretty rough 2 years, but 2012 is going to be different.  I haven't felt that the last two years.  I think I even faked it a time or two and tried to make other people believe that.  This year I believe it.  I'm a Star Trek Next Generation fan, so my next statement will only sound stupid if you don't watch that show.

MAKE IT SO NUMBER 1.

His voice

I hear the voice of my God.  It's not an audible voice, but one that whispers in my ear.

I'm amazed at how He speaks to me through a friend who has NO idea she's imparting a word from Him.  Today as I was trying not to be jealous of my friend and her upcoming move to a more free and beautiful place, He clearly spoke to me that I will NOT receive MY dream until I give some love to what I already have.  Side note: I am SERIOUSLY very happy for her and her family, seriously. :)

That hit me like a ton of bricks.  Oddly, I know exactly what He means.

He wants us to spiffy up what we already have, be thankful for what we've been given and find contentment where we are.  How long that will take, I have no idea.  I have been too busy moaning and whining about my country home to see how blessed I am just where I'm at.

I have some home improvement projects that I've been wanting to get to since we moved in here 7½ years ago.  At one time, I had big plans for this "forever" home of mine.  My excuse is always that I can't afford to do this or that.  There's a LOT of things I have done and can do that are inexpensive and I'm going to make a list of those things and start putting my plan into action.

Contentment where I'm at.  Hmmm, I wonder what that will feel like?  I'm up for the challenge.

Day 5 Priorities

31 Days to Clean.....I'm on priorities now.

1. Yahweh, Abba, Jehovah~ Without Him, I'm absolutely nothing and am useless to my family and others.

• I really want to work on getting up and having quiet time with Him FIRST before anything else.

2. Greg, honey, Big Daddy~ Yep I call him Big Daddy.  LOL  In fact when he walks in the door every single day, he says "Never fear....Big Daddy is here".  I'm not sure I would know what to do if he didn't say his catch phrase.  I'd surely think there were a burglar in the house if I heard that door open and not that phrase.  :)  Well anyway, he comes 2nd only to my Savior.

• My "to do" list as far as Greg is concerned is pretty huge.  I have to get back to being the wife I used to be.  I want to make sure he feels loved.  He works HARD.  He needs foot massages and back rubs.  Hey, that's my opportunity to get those oils on my man.  He needs me to hug and kiss him first.  He needs me to text him "I love you" first.  He needs me to stop nagging him about a long list of things.  
• This is big....and it deserves it's own space.  He needs me to FORGIVE him for losing his job one year ago today.  *sigh*  I think I realize that's been the biggest stumbling block in our marriage this past year.  It's a long story and unless you are me or him (and you're not),  I'm not sharing details.  He lost a job he'd had for 18 years over a mistake.  That's all I'm saying.  It's time I forgave him for that.  He went and got a new job RIGHT away.  This job pays WAY more than his other job of 18 years ever thought about paying him.  He works a lot more, sure, but he's AMAZING and he has learned from mistakes he's made.  He also works a 2nd job because, well, that's what needs to be done right now.  It's time I stopped making him feel bad for that too.  How many men will voluntarily do that?  How many men would want their wives to go to work to take up the slack?  I AM BLESSED and it's time I started fully realizing that.

3.  Sister Boo, Bubba, Pnut and Monkey~ Those are my nicknames for my kidlets.  I adore them.

• #1 needs me to stop being such a nag.  She needs me to let her be the adult that she is and stop butting in. She's not entirely at fault for the state of our relationship and it's high time I stopped and realized there's some things I can do too.  She needs me to praise her for the good things she does and stop focusing on the bad.  
• #2 needs me to stop being such a nag.  He is wonderful young man and needs his mom to laugh with him and praise him more often.
• #3 needs me to stop being such a nag.  This girl does a LOT around this house to help me out.  She needs me to praise her a little bit more. 
• #4 needs me to stop being such a nag.  UGH!  Do you see a theme here?  This girl is sweet and loving.  She needs more mommy kisses and hugs.  She needs more praise for what a big girl she has become. 

4.   My home.  It's not a "house", it's a home and it needs to be treated as such.  Homes are lived in, but clutter has got to go!

• My home could use some daily TLC.  Having 5 people and 5 inside dogs makes for a lot of debris.  There's no reason why I can't stay on top of that.
• A chore chart would help tremendously.
• I think computer time as a reward for doing my chores would be a good thing.  No chores, no computer.  Hey it works for the kidlets.

5.  ME.  

• I need some pampering too!  Gonna make a weekly date with my toenails, cause boy they are surely in a state of chaos!  Most who know me know that I do not go without polished toenails.  Lately all I take time to do is reapply polish over the old.  blah!  I want a pedicure!!  I'm gonna splurge on my next payday.  No excuses!
• I miss sewing!  My aunt sent me my grandma's serger and I'm going to start using it!
• Just need to take some daily time for me, to read, to sew, to polish toenails.  Something that makes me feel good about me
• Oh and friends....I know I have some, just need to let them love me.  Be a friend too, Stephanie. You know you're good at it when you try. 

Did my Martha Challenge and cleaned my ONE kitchen window along with the mini blind and valance.  That took awhile.  What a filthy window it was!!  yuck!  But now it looks nice.  I'm so happy I'm doing this challenge.

See ya later :)