Seasons of Change

I just accidentally came across my blog this morning.  Wow, that's weird to say that.  How do you accidentally come across your own blog?  Perhaps I've been avoiding it all together.  I haven't written anything since July 2012 and looking back, I know exactly why.  July 2012 was the end of a season for me. What followed that month was a lot of pain in my life that I'm still trying to figure out.

I had the loss of people who were family, a huge loss in income and loss of myself.  A separation from my Abba Father, really.  After all, if I'm not connected with Him, who am I really?

I still grieve the loss of a mother, a woman that did not birth me, but someone who I loved even deeper than one who did give birth to me.  The breakdown of our relationship haunts me and I have no idea how to remedy that.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss her, wonder how she is and hope that she still knows how much I love her. 

The loss of income......being self employed sucks sometimes.  My husband's problems with his vehicles and trailers and loss of work has just tested my faith on so many occasions.  I still don't trust that God has our back and I hate that I can't draw close to Him anymore.

Then there's the loss of my son.  Not a physical loss because he's still here, as funny and smart as ever, but he turned 18 in November and even though I've gone through a child becoming an "adult" before, I am having a really hard time processing this adulthood of my only son.  

I've been depressed and struggling for the last 6 months and honestly, I feel like if I don't wake up from this nightmare I find myself in, I may just melt into a puddle.

It is time for a change of season for me.  I know what I need to do.  

I need to sit in the presence of my Abba Father and just be silent. 

 I need to embrace the changes my son is making in his life.  I see such a grown up man now and I need to enjoy that.  I've had 18 years of "boyhood" to enjoy and it's time I realize that this is a good time in his life too.  This is the time I've been praying for......that he would grow up to be a strong, healthy happy MAN.  And he is. 

 I need to realize that being self employed is also what I've prayed for and that God DOES have our back.  We haven't lost our home or anything else.  We're all eating every day and we're together.

I need to realize that perhaps that fabulous woman that came into my life to be my mom was just a seasonal thing.  As heart-wrenching as that is to me, perhaps that's my reality.  I am so thankful for all she has taught me and I can only pray that I enhanced her life in some way as well.  She changed me for the better and I will always love her. 

This is a new season and I will try with all of my might to embrace it.

GED? No Thanks!

I recently got an offer to receive a free eBook entitled "Homeschool to Grad School". I totally agreed with the book's opinion that homeschool children shouldn't take the GED.  That spurs this blog post.

I have known some very wonderful people who studied hard and obtained their GED.  That is THEIR decision and their choice, which is not my business. I just believe that in the case of MY home educated children, it is not necessary.  I will NOT ask them to take it and I will discourage them from it.  However, if THEY feel it is necessary once they are adults, then of course that will be their decision.  It is my hope that they will see the value in their home education and not need validation from a state entity in that way.

Some people wonder if my children will be taking the GED in order to "graduate".  They are stunned when my answer is NO WAY.  Greg and I feel that we are absolutely not only qualified but are directed and "accredited" by Yahweh to be the authority that says they are "done" with their home education.  A GED implies "drop out" to the world and I don't want them to have that label.  Home educated children aren't drop outs, but are intelligent, free thinking, unique individuals.  Greg and I are doing our very best, directed by our Heavenly Father, to facilitate the best learning environment possible for our children. 

Some might say well, how will they get a job or how will they get into college without an "official" diploma?  Official is in the eyes of the beholder.  It's worldly thinking and I won't submit to that.   I believe that just as the Lord told me very clearly one day to "TAKE THOSE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL", HE will provide everything they need and will direct their steps for whatever path HE leads them to.  The world is not their guiding authority, our ABBA Father is.

That's my soap box moment for today.  Thank you very much for your time!

Why I Love to Call Him ABBA

A thought occurred to me just now......I feel like I need to share this.  Don't be afraid to let your children SEE the struggles you have.  I know we often want to shelter and hide our kids from the struggles and problems we have as adults.  Allow them to see the miraculous hand of God upon your life and it will encourage them in their own walk of faith.

The blessing I received last night in that giant box of fabric and the tears that flowed as a result of that, was a HUGE message for my children.  They knew I was praying for some help from the Lord and they SAW how the HE provided what I needed.  Here's what I wrote on Facebook last night so you'll know the back story here:  

Box overflowing with fabric was brought to me tonight. Was given to our church and our Pastor Mike thought of me since I'm doing so much sewing.

Just this morning, I was literally on my face, crying before the Lord.....please help me....

You see, I have a LOT of sewing I can do, but honestly no funds for the fabric.

All I have ever prayed for is WORK. I don't want a hand out. As my girls were digging through it, they pulled out a HUGE bundle of that ever popular zebra print (everyone wants that right now).

Really GOD?!? You answer my prayers and you give me tons of ZEBRA print fabric?

Yeah, I started bawling right then and there. This morning I wasn't so sure God could hear me anymore. He heard me and He gave me zebra print fabric too.

Yeah, I'm in awe of my God. He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider!

These times of trial in my life are times of faith building in my children's lives.  It's a trickle down effect.  All I see from MY struggles is the HUGE faith in the Lord that my children and grandchildren will have. 

I've been so amazed at how God protects my children's hearts from fear.  They've seen the ugly side of life through my pain, yet they aren't afraid of life.  They aren't afraid when things are financially lean for us, because they know we'll never let them do without things that are essential.  They know we'll look to the Lord Almighty, Jehovah Jireh, YAHWEH! They've seen the hand of God far too many times to be afraid.

This is one of the many reasons I love to call Him ABBA.....Daddy.....good Daddies always make sure their children are taken care of.  I love you Abba.

I CHOOSE To Be Different

Disclaimer: If you're easily offended, just click that little red X right now, because you might not wanna read this.  This is MY blog and MY thoughts.

I'm tired of being the same as everyone else, or at least being expected to be the same.  .

Here's a list of things that I think make me different:

I call "God" by the name Yahweh, Abba, Jehovah Jireh, Jehovah Rapha, etc.  Those are the 4 names I call him most.  Oh, by the way, I've had it with calling him "God" just because the majority of people don't know who Yahweh or Abba are.  Yeah, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

I call "Jesus" by the name Yeshua most of the time.  In church, when singing songs that say Jesus, I sing Yeshua instead.

My family and I don't celebrate the world's or even the church's "easter" and "christmas" anymore.  We don't think that those holidays have anything to do with Yeshua.  They've been adopted from worldly ideals and they don't fit our view of who He is to us.  Oh and we don't typically go to church on those days either, simply so we can avoid those things we don't agree with. Since many of my church family might read this, let me add another disclaimer: It has nothing to do with the church we've joined our lives with, it has everything to do with our personal convictions on the matter.  We believe each person must follow their own convictions and I swear, we have no ill thoughts towards our church or church family for observing these holidays.  We LOVE our church family just as they are.

We try, at all costs, to eat organically, which seems to offend some people and I have no idea why.  We drink raw milk that comes straight from a cow and goes directly into a jug and I pay $6 a gallon for it.  Our meat costs more too.  Some people feel the need to tell me they won't pay those prices.  Ok, that's great.  3 years ago, I would have choked if you had told me I'd be paying $6 for a gallon of milk or that I wouldn't even dream of buying chicken from a grocery store. How do MY food choices affect you in any way, shape or form? 

Here's probably the biggest one that most don't like......we dropped our health insurance and we don't use any kinds of medications.  What I'm about to say probably WILL offend you if you're not of this mindset, but I'm actually gonna say something here that I've heard my own Pastor say recently (or similar, anyway).  We, as a society, are depending far too much on modern medicine and doctors than we are on Yahweh.  We look to and worship the M.D. that writes our prescriptions and cuts us open.  We feel hopeless and doomed if he/she doesn't have an answer for us.  We REJECT the fact that the proper foods and readjusting our thinking can heal us far better than ANY medicine ever will.  I've had my share of health concerns.  I have some issues that I've had for over 2 years right now and I haven't seen a doctor even once for this issue.  I have another issue that I, at one time, trusted a doctor for and he couldn't fix it, so I am STILL believing in God.  I'm not going to put some man made "medicine" into my body.  If someone doesn't like that, I'm not sure what to tell you. Like my grandma likes to say "I think that's a personal problem".

Ah, how could I forget this one.......we are homeschoolers.  No, we are unschoolers.  Ack, I hate the word "school" in reference to what we do because we most certainly do NOT do "school".  How about this?  We live our lives and we learn while we're doing it.  I'm not the "norm" among those who have removed their children from school to educate them at home.  I go against the grain.  This works for us.  My children are learning.  They probably aren't learning at the rate YOU think they should be.  They aren't on "grade level".  I personally think they're BEYOND grade level by MY standards.  I don't compare them to anyone else anymore.  I refuse to do that.  Oh and they aren't in a grade, period.  We've tried over the years to assign a grade to my children just so that when asked, people would be satisfied with the answer.  Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore either.   Ask them how old they are.  What does it matter what "grade" they would have been in.  It's irrelevant. 

Another controversial thing that makes me weird.....I actually believe in, and practice, SUBMISSION as a wife.  *gasp* Yeah, I'm not even going to go there.  If you wanna know what that means, just ask me.

 Seriously this is just a short list of things that make me different.  I'm done being a slave to society's ideals.  I don't do things like anyone else I know.  I'm different because Yahweh made me different and I trust Him enough to believe that's good enough.

I have also had issues with people I care very much about thinking that I'm judging them or looking down on them because things I do are different from them.  Please don't think that about me.  If you truly knew my heart, you would know that I am not that way at all.  On every one of these issues I shared, I have been the total opposite at one point in time.  I have walked a different path, one you yourself may now be on.  That doesn't mean I think your path sucks, it just means, I don't want to walk that way anymore.  Please don't read anything into my choices other than THEY ARE MY CHOICES.

I CHOOSE to be different and I think that's alright. :)

Plan B

Broken.  That's me.

I've been broken before, many times before, in fact.

This time is different.  I'm at a cross roads and I have two choices.  I can turn down the road that will ultimately destroy me (Plan A) or I can turn down the road that will lead me to a fuller life (Plan B).  Period.  There is no turning back and there are no other options.

My life was changed when I was 10 years old.  I accepted Christ, was baptized and started on a journey.  I haven't found much peace on that 31 year journey for some reason.  I think because I never really understood how God could love me when my own parents didn't seem to love me all that much.  I've often heard we relate to God in the same way we relate to our earthly fathers.  For me that has proven to be very true. 

My father has never been a man that made me feel safe. He has been in and out of my life for 41 years.

Last Summer, I shut the door on that relationship.  I'd like to say I've never looked back, but that wouldn't be true.  I've looked back numerous times.  Was it the right thing?  Am I "honoring my father" as God commands?

That relationship is much more complex than I can ever have time to share on the entries of a blog.  Let me just say this.....God is giving me clarity on the issue. My earthly father isn't representative of what my Heavenly Father is.  He's not present, he doesn't protect my heart, he doesn't love me fully and completely.  THAT is why I have to re-learn what a father is.  THAT is why I had to shut the door on a relationship that was doing more harm than good in my life.

What does this have to do with Plan A and Plan B? 

Trust.  I can't trust earthly men to take care of me, but I CAN trust my Creator, my Abba Father.  Most people who know me, know that I refer to God a lot as "Abba".  It's a name that closely means what we would call "daddy".  The first time I remember hearing the word Abba and what it meant, it was something I knew I wanted to call God.  I've always wanted a man I could call daddy.  Even as a 41 year old woman, I want and NEED a daddy.

I fell on my face this morning before my Abba, my daddy.  I am at a cross roads.  Plan A, the way I've always gone, TRUSTING MYSELF, will lead me to destruction.  This path has led me to destroy my body, among other things.  I'll go into that in another blog along the way.  Plan B, the plan that my Abba chose for me long before I ever knew Him.  The plan that I chose when I said YES to Him all those years ago.  This is the plan and the path that I was destined to follow.  It's not easy, it's not smooth, but it leads to LIFE. 

I'm tired of living like I am dead.  I choose life.  I choose Plan B. 

Abba, I trust you with everything in me.  I can't keep going my own way anymore and I need you to carry me for a little while because it's the only way I'm going to be able to trust you.  I can't walk this first leg of the path on my own two feet.