Plan B

Broken.  That's me.

I've been broken before, many times before, in fact.

This time is different.  I'm at a cross roads and I have two choices.  I can turn down the road that will ultimately destroy me (Plan A) or I can turn down the road that will lead me to a fuller life (Plan B).  Period.  There is no turning back and there are no other options.

My life was changed when I was 10 years old.  I accepted Christ, was baptized and started on a journey.  I haven't found much peace on that 31 year journey for some reason.  I think because I never really understood how God could love me when my own parents didn't seem to love me all that much.  I've often heard we relate to God in the same way we relate to our earthly fathers.  For me that has proven to be very true. 

My father has never been a man that made me feel safe. He has been in and out of my life for 41 years.

Last Summer, I shut the door on that relationship.  I'd like to say I've never looked back, but that wouldn't be true.  I've looked back numerous times.  Was it the right thing?  Am I "honoring my father" as God commands?

That relationship is much more complex than I can ever have time to share on the entries of a blog.  Let me just say this.....God is giving me clarity on the issue. My earthly father isn't representative of what my Heavenly Father is.  He's not present, he doesn't protect my heart, he doesn't love me fully and completely.  THAT is why I have to re-learn what a father is.  THAT is why I had to shut the door on a relationship that was doing more harm than good in my life.

What does this have to do with Plan A and Plan B? 

Trust.  I can't trust earthly men to take care of me, but I CAN trust my Creator, my Abba Father.  Most people who know me, know that I refer to God a lot as "Abba".  It's a name that closely means what we would call "daddy".  The first time I remember hearing the word Abba and what it meant, it was something I knew I wanted to call God.  I've always wanted a man I could call daddy.  Even as a 41 year old woman, I want and NEED a daddy.

I fell on my face this morning before my Abba, my daddy.  I am at a cross roads.  Plan A, the way I've always gone, TRUSTING MYSELF, will lead me to destruction.  This path has led me to destroy my body, among other things.  I'll go into that in another blog along the way.  Plan B, the plan that my Abba chose for me long before I ever knew Him.  The plan that I chose when I said YES to Him all those years ago.  This is the plan and the path that I was destined to follow.  It's not easy, it's not smooth, but it leads to LIFE. 

I'm tired of living like I am dead.  I choose life.  I choose Plan B. 

Abba, I trust you with everything in me.  I can't keep going my own way anymore and I need you to carry me for a little while because it's the only way I'm going to be able to trust you.  I can't walk this first leg of the path on my own two feet.