Stop apologizing

Yesterday, October 4, 2011, I turned 41 years old.  I enjoyed the day immensely even though I did absolutely nothing!  My children showered me with songs, cards, homemade gifts, a foot rub and just general LOVE all around. I adore my children.  They teach me so much about unconditional love.  With the exception of the oldest, age 22 (who sees me from the adult perspective now), the kids have always been very forgiving.  I love that child-like love and faith.

God spoke some things into me yesterday.  The first one I want to mention is "stop apologizing".  You see, all my life I've felt less than.  Less than EVERYTHING.  I was never good enough, I said too much, I cried to much, etc. My feelings weren't valid and my actions weren't worthy.  I didn't measure up, so I apologized.  I tried to "do better".  I tried to make myself someone I wasn't because that's what I needed to do to gain the love of people.

I have parents who don't acknowledge me anymore.   I have a very small extended family anyway, but only 2 people in that extended family acknowledged that it was my birthday.  Several years ago, that would have crushed me.  I actually remember the first time my mother didn't acknowledge my birthday and it was devastating.  She was mad at me, so she skipped my birthday.  I remember her comments after the day had passed.  She said "how did it feel"?  Hmmm, so you get pleasure out of hurting me.  That was probably about 20 years ago.  I think I should have stepped away from her then.  It took me another 15 years to say enough is enough. Praise God I finally got the courage.

I have taken a LOT of flack from people, especially Christian people about my decision to walk away from my parents and much of my extended family.  They like to lay on a guilt trip about how I'm not honoring my mother and my father. I also get the "family is important" stuff thrown at me.

I agree with that point wholeheartedly, only I don't agree with the definition of family.

Family is my husband and my four children.  Family is the mom and dad who GOD grafted me to.  Family is the sisters I have that are NOT my blood.  Family are the countless friends who pour love and life into me.  Family are the people who are willing to walk beside me.....who allow me to cry......who allow me to feel......who allow me to be human, just as I am.....who love me enough to challenge me to be better.  Family are those who see the faults and sin in me, but love me anyway.  Most importantly.....family are the people who don't walk away from me just because I make them mad.

I won't apologize for who I am anymore.  I'm exactly the girl that God made me to be.  He has allowed many things in my life so that I can be who I am today.

My prayer is that I'll just keep getting better and better.

Yes, I'm 41 years old and proud of it.  I'm not "29 again" and don't even WANT to be.  I'm not going to apologize for that either.