Seasons of Change

I just accidentally came across my blog this morning.  Wow, that's weird to say that.  How do you accidentally come across your own blog?  Perhaps I've been avoiding it all together.  I haven't written anything since July 2012 and looking back, I know exactly why.  July 2012 was the end of a season for me. What followed that month was a lot of pain in my life that I'm still trying to figure out.

I had the loss of people who were family, a huge loss in income and loss of myself.  A separation from my Abba Father, really.  After all, if I'm not connected with Him, who am I really?

I still grieve the loss of a mother, a woman that did not birth me, but someone who I loved even deeper than one who did give birth to me.  The breakdown of our relationship haunts me and I have no idea how to remedy that.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss her, wonder how she is and hope that she still knows how much I love her. 

The loss of income......being self employed sucks sometimes.  My husband's problems with his vehicles and trailers and loss of work has just tested my faith on so many occasions.  I still don't trust that God has our back and I hate that I can't draw close to Him anymore.

Then there's the loss of my son.  Not a physical loss because he's still here, as funny and smart as ever, but he turned 18 in November and even though I've gone through a child becoming an "adult" before, I am having a really hard time processing this adulthood of my only son.  

I've been depressed and struggling for the last 6 months and honestly, I feel like if I don't wake up from this nightmare I find myself in, I may just melt into a puddle.

It is time for a change of season for me.  I know what I need to do.  

I need to sit in the presence of my Abba Father and just be silent. 

 I need to embrace the changes my son is making in his life.  I see such a grown up man now and I need to enjoy that.  I've had 18 years of "boyhood" to enjoy and it's time I realize that this is a good time in his life too.  This is the time I've been praying for......that he would grow up to be a strong, healthy happy MAN.  And he is. 

 I need to realize that being self employed is also what I've prayed for and that God DOES have our back.  We haven't lost our home or anything else.  We're all eating every day and we're together.

I need to realize that perhaps that fabulous woman that came into my life to be my mom was just a seasonal thing.  As heart-wrenching as that is to me, perhaps that's my reality.  I am so thankful for all she has taught me and I can only pray that I enhanced her life in some way as well.  She changed me for the better and I will always love her. 

This is a new season and I will try with all of my might to embrace it.