Peace eludes me

Thinking a lot about "peace" this morning since I even most days wake up not feeling at peace.

I have some of the worst dreams.  Many times it is my husband leaving me or one of my children dying.  Sometimes I dream that I am dying.  I hate those dreams.  I have had a fear of dying since I met my husband almost 18 years ago.  His mother died when he was 8 years old and I have seen how it has affected him.  The thought that I would leave my children like that terrifies me on so many levels.  I really thought I was past that when my youngest turned 8 last Summer.  Since she is our youngest and Greg is the youngest in his family, there's always been something about that "magic age".  I got past it and was doing ok.  Apparently not.

I have never really had peace in going to church.  For a follower of Christ that probably seems odd.  I just have never really believed the church was telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.....so help them God.  I have come to realize that "church" as we know it will likely NEVER be a peaceful place, for me anyway and that I can go to enrich my life, but it will never fulfill the role for me that it wants to.  The reason for that is that I don't subscribe to a pat formula for Christianity and I believe that is what many churches/denominations want.  I have to find my OWN way of living with and for Christ that suits ME.  I have to pattern my responses and my action based on HIM and not what a church believes or does.  I can no longer "join" a church membership and align myself with only one church.  I am MEMBER, however, of the Body of Christ.  That being said, we are currently enjoying the fellowship of a particular church in town.  My guard was up and up HIGH at first, but I believe the Holy Spirit has been knocking down walls and I am grateful.

Peace in our home life is something that I'm worried about.  I dreamt last night that we all lived in a one bedroom house and were sharing said bedroom.  It was wall to wall beds.  It reinforced my feelings that the walls are closing in on me here.  Having an adult child living at home on your couch is stressful too.  That could be a whole other post in itself that's for sure.  I adore my girl, but we need her to find her own place soon.  I think some deadlines are about to be set.  That's just one aspect of the peace I'm looking for.  Greg's jobs are another.  I need peace in that situation.  11 months is too long to be crying every day over a job situation.

I have so many other issues weighing heavy on me.  Too many for one blog post really.  I feel so "weird" today and not in a good way either. I feel like no one understands or even cares kind of weird.  I feel alone.  Utterly, absolutely, devastatingly alone.