Seasons of Change

I just accidentally came across my blog this morning.  Wow, that's weird to say that.  How do you accidentally come across your own blog?  Perhaps I've been avoiding it all together.  I haven't written anything since July 2012 and looking back, I know exactly why.  July 2012 was the end of a season for me. What followed that month was a lot of pain in my life that I'm still trying to figure out.

I had the loss of people who were family, a huge loss in income and loss of myself.  A separation from my Abba Father, really.  After all, if I'm not connected with Him, who am I really?

I still grieve the loss of a mother, a woman that did not birth me, but someone who I loved even deeper than one who did give birth to me.  The breakdown of our relationship haunts me and I have no idea how to remedy that.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss her, wonder how she is and hope that she still knows how much I love her. 

The loss of income......being self employed sucks sometimes.  My husband's problems with his vehicles and trailers and loss of work has just tested my faith on so many occasions.  I still don't trust that God has our back and I hate that I can't draw close to Him anymore.

Then there's the loss of my son.  Not a physical loss because he's still here, as funny and smart as ever, but he turned 18 in November and even though I've gone through a child becoming an "adult" before, I am having a really hard time processing this adulthood of my only son.  

I've been depressed and struggling for the last 6 months and honestly, I feel like if I don't wake up from this nightmare I find myself in, I may just melt into a puddle.

It is time for a change of season for me.  I know what I need to do.  

I need to sit in the presence of my Abba Father and just be silent. 

 I need to embrace the changes my son is making in his life.  I see such a grown up man now and I need to enjoy that.  I've had 18 years of "boyhood" to enjoy and it's time I realize that this is a good time in his life too.  This is the time I've been praying for......that he would grow up to be a strong, healthy happy MAN.  And he is. 

 I need to realize that being self employed is also what I've prayed for and that God DOES have our back.  We haven't lost our home or anything else.  We're all eating every day and we're together.

I need to realize that perhaps that fabulous woman that came into my life to be my mom was just a seasonal thing.  As heart-wrenching as that is to me, perhaps that's my reality.  I am so thankful for all she has taught me and I can only pray that I enhanced her life in some way as well.  She changed me for the better and I will always love her. 

This is a new season and I will try with all of my might to embrace it.

RESPECT?

Big smack in the head for me today.  I'm trying to reinvent my "parenting style" because the way I was raised just isn't working for me as a parent.  Trying to find my own way these days.  I swear, I must have tried EVERYTHING out there in my almost 23 years of being a mom.

My children sometimes ask me to do things for them and if I don't want to or I'm busy I'll tell them "later".  YET, when I ask them to do things, I sometimes (used to) expect them to do it NOW, no questions, don't make me tell you twice, etc. 

Hmmm, how is that OK? 

I have been pondering this lately and today it really hit home when my daughter asked me to do something for her.  I honestly didn't FEEL like dropping what I was doing and doing what she wanted me to do, but I did.  I felt like wait a minute, this will literally take probably 5 minutes at most.  Why can't you do this for her?  So I did....and I didn't do it begrudgingly, but I did it lovingly because it was important to her.

  I know some people say it's a "respect" thing, but let me tell you friends, respect isn't automatic as far as I'm concerned.  I don't even believe it should be.  I think it should be MUTUAL.   I grew up in a home where respect was DEMANDED, yet my parents were not deserving of respect.  They were NOT kind to me, yet commanded that I respect them simply because they were my parents.  My grandparents were the same way.  My gma used to tell me "respect your elders".  I see a huge problem with this, to be honest.  Children have been abused and used because they were taught to respect their elders without question. 

I refuse to demand respect from my children any longer.  I plan to extend to them the same kind of courtesy and respect that I would like them to give me.  I don't think that makes me less of a parent and I don't believe that it means they are "in control".  It doesn't take away the position I have as mother.  It shows them that I love them and that what they need from me is important.

Family Photo Shoot 2012

It's been 5 years since we had professional pictures done for our family.  Here's a few of the ones we recently had taken.  I'm refraining from making comments about how I look.  *eye roll*

My life without Facebook

Here I go, ready to tackle the world without Facebook!  Oh *gasp*  Why would anyone want to do that?

I don't know, maybe I'm just tired of the drama.  I'm tired of fake friends and people who just want to spy on me.  I know, I know, how is the blog thing any different?  I'm not sure, but somehow this feels different to me.  I have no commitment to anyone here.  I can say what I like and be done with it.  If no one comments, great.  If someone does, awesome.  I am not obligated to say anything to anyone but myself....and I'm a selfish person right now.  I have to be or I'm just never going to heal emotionally.

That's what it all boils down to.  I need to heal emotionally.  I have a lifetime of healing to do and I have only skimmed the surface in that area.

On the way out to the farm to get milk today, a song came on that is very dear to my heart.  It's "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson.  She talks about the pain of her childhood and how she still to this day can't trust anyone, including herself.  Every time I hear that song, I cry because it's MY story.

So, I'm crying while driving and singing and pouring my heart out.  Yeah, that's not good to do while driving!!  Good thing I was on country roads, y'all!  Yikes!  Each time I hear this song, I do heal a little bit.  Today I think the Lord showed me that my parents hurt me because THEY were hurt themselves.  It's such a horrible cycle.  I know things about their pasts that ARE very hurtful and no doubt wrecked them emotionally.  They couldn't help but turn around and hurt their child, right?  WRONG. I think we have the choice to STOP the cycle.  We can say I'm not doing this anymore.  The BUCK STOPS HERE as Harry Truman said.

The buck stops with me.  I'm not going to hurt my children and if I have hurt them, I'm going to make it up to them as best I can so that THEY won't hurt their children.  Somewhere along the line we're not going to have a family history of hurting other people and I'm going to be a part of that.

SO, yes I left Facebook.  My intentions are to remain gone for the Summer months.  I need to focus on my kidlets and my tan.  Wow, my priorities are in order huh?  LOL  Vitamin D is good for you, by gosh!  Facebook is something that has the potential to hurt my kids if I don't watch it.  I have spent more time on that blasted social networking site than I care to mention.  Maybe some day I'll be ready to talk about that.  I'm ready to just break that habit right now.  So I'm done.  I deactivated my account today.  It'll be there waiting for me when IF I decide to go back.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, so I probably will be blogging a lot more often.  Maybe even daily.  Stay tuned :)

My Madi Grace

Last night I decided I needed some one on one time with my baby girl.  Ok, now this "baby" is actually turning 10 in a little over a month, but she's MY baby girl.  She is immature in some ways, but I'm VERY ok with that.  Let me tell you a bit about my time with my girl last night and why this child is so special.  First, a bit of a disclaimer though.  I do NOT have a favorite child.  It's not within me to have more affection for one over the other.  Each of my 4 children is special in their own way, for their own reasons.  I have plans to blog about each of them, but the first one is going to be my Madilen.

The reason she's so dear to my heart is for so many reasons.  She's my baby, she's my only brown eyed child (like me), she's so affectionate, she's cuddly, she's sensitive, she's passionate......but the number one reason is probably because she is ME in every way.  This is why this is so important to me......

I wasn't a very happy child.  I won't go into all of that right now.  Most who know me, know the background stuff and I don't need to rehash that.  Overall, I played a good part, pretended to be happy, smiled a lot, etc etc.  I was a miserable child inside, dying slowly emotionally speaking. 

My Madilen Grace looks so much like me......she has brown hair and brown eyes, my only brown eyed child.  How weird considering "they" usually say brown eyes are dominant.  When I look at her, it's like I'm seeing myself as a child, only happy......truly, genuinely happy in every way.  She enjoys life to the fullest!  She's mouthy like me, she's stubborn and passionate about everything!  She's emotional and she feels things deeply.  She's a crier and she loves to be comforted. 

So last night, she asked me to read her a book at bedtime.  We read "How To Be A Superhero"....what fun!  Then we read some of a book of Children's Bible stories and afterward just talked.  I asked her random questions and we snuggled.  I gave her smoochies and squeezed her tightly.  I felt like I was hugging myself and something deep inside me melted.

I may not have been a happy child, but I can be one now.....through my Madi girl.  God has blessed me so much by giving me this child.  The pain of my past is melting away a little more each day as I hear her talk, see her play and watch her live life with JOY.

A letter to my friends and family

Dear friends and family,

I'm tired of stressing out over how my home looks when you suddenly arrive or even when you plan to arrive well in advance.  I often stay up late into the wee hours of the night cleaning cracks and crevices that you never even notice, but that I somehow THINK you'll notice if I don't clean.

Today I'm declaring I'm not doing that anymore.  We live here, our house is lived in.  Yes, I know that some of you are the epitome of awesomeness and manage to put your spotlessly clean home as your number 1 priority.  I marvel when I come into your homes how amazingly fresh smelling and beautiful your abode is.  I wish I were you on some level, but I'm not.

So I woke up today feeling a confession on my heart and here it is.

My tub needs to be cleaned.......badly.  Good thing you're not here to take a bath.  So I'll shut the curtain.  If you look in there, that's your problem. Speaking of the bathroom, I noticed this morning that the corners in my bathroom have some serious dust bunnies.  I'm sorry, but I don't have time to clean those today.  I did, however, clean the toilet, wipe out the sink and put up a new hand towel prior to your arrival.  Yeah, I'm cool like that.

I probably have dishes in the sink.  That's kind of the way it goes when you have 5 people living here.  Please be happy for us.  That's a sign that we have plenty to eat.

I'm not sure when I last swept the kitchen floor, but I think I saw Greg doing it last night.  I did see that my kids didn't clean up the jelly mess they made on the kitchen table.  I may or may not wipe that off right away.

I see that the laundry basket is overflowing in the hall way.  I tried to pick up the clothes enough so that you won't have to step on anything.  Again, I blame this on the fact that we have 5 people who wear clothes and I don't feel like doing laundry every single day of the week.

Ah, let's address the dogs.  Yes, I realize I'm not the normal person here.  I have 5 dogs who live inside.  I'm just praying that the delicious Scentsy pots I have strategically placed around my home counteract the doggie smell on some level.  If you leave here with a dog hair on your shirt, I apologize, but yeah, they kinda live here too.

I think I might try to move the pile of clean laundry from the couch before you arrive, but if you see a stray sock or wash cloth here and there, please don't be alarmed. 

I am tired of stressing before you arrive.  You see, cleaning my home to a show room condition has never been on MY priority list.  My grandma (pick one, this applies to them all) would be mortified to know I rarely make my bed,  I don't vacuum the carpet on a schedule and I sometimes don't dust the furniture/tv, etc until I see someone has left me a note on it.  

I believe there's a difference in unsanitary living conditions and a home being loved and lived in.  My home is the latter.

If you're here and I don't have a look of panic on my face when you step in, it's because I love you enough to welcome you into our home, just as it is.  You're one of us. 

I'm done stressing out over the condition of my home.  Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.

Sincerely,
Me

I Need Him

I know a lot of women pride themselves on NOT needing a man.....but I am so thankful that I CAN'T do it all and much of the time NEED Greg to do things for me. 

 I love that he's stronger than me and knows more about certain things than I do.  I love that he wraps his arms around me and makes me feel secure.  I love that he leads me through a crowd while holding my hand.  I love that he holds doors open for me after almost 19 years together.   I love that he's my "covering" and when we're apart I don't quite feel complete.  I love the way he respects me and how he thinks I'm beautiful even when I don't have my hair fixed or make up on.

I love that we live an "old school" style life.....with me at home and him being the sole financial provider for our family.  I  love that he doesn't control me in any way, but yet I always ask him for his opinion before I make a decision.  I love that he wants me at home and that everything he has is mine.  He withholds nothing from me.

   I frequently ask him....Honey why do you love me?  His first response is always "because you're my baby".  I usually say "what else" and he responds...."because you take care of me". 

I love that I need my man and I love the fact that he needs me.