I'm challenging myself this month to get my home and my heart in order. Moreso my heart.
Some know my story, but many do not. I think it's appropriate that I do this challenge in May as May 2010 is the month that my life turned upside down. My husband lost his job of 18 years and everything seemed to go in a downward spiral from then on. I'm coming up on the anniversary of that dreaded day and yes, I do remember the exact date and in fact, the exact time that I saw him walk through that door and tell me. The details are unnecessary, but the after math that has followed has been something that has reshaped me as a woman.
I'm not the same person I once was. Things have changed....financially, physically and spiritually. While I'm pleased to report that my husband found a job within a few weeks of losing his other one, it has changed us as a family in such profound ways that I can't even begin to put into words what I'm feeling or what we've experienced. Neighbors have gossiped and turned away. Family has taken on a look of shame and pity in their eyes. We have retreated from friends and family alike. We no longer have anyone but each other. The church didn't come along side us and hold our hands and pray. I think that has hurt the most. We left a church that we loved because we felt that our pain and our hurt weren't important.
What I will say is that for the first time in 18 years, I have questioned whether or not I would remain a married woman. That reality has rocked me to the core. I am made to be married.....to Greg.....forever. So this leads me to one conclusion. My situation has changed drastically, but I have changed exponentially, profoundly, deeply.
I have become more withdrawn, more cold, more spiritually barren. I haven't "felt" God in the last year and that is just not like me. I used to literally, physically FEEL Him with me. It's that scary movie "someone is behind you" feeling....only it wasn't scary for me to have Him there. God has always been that for me. So....I'm pretty sure that I'm the one who walked away.
It's as if I've left reality, abandoned my heart and went on vacation. I look around and see the aftermath of what happened to us one year ago and can only blame one person......myself. I left my family. Not in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense.
That's not like me.
So I'm on a journey to get back to myself and to the 5 people I love more than anything on this Earth. I'm going to rediscover why I fell in love with each of them in the process. I want to fully bask in God's radiance. I want to pour myself into loving and serving them like Christ has done for me. I want to learn to forgive myself. Part of this includes loving on my home a little bit and that's why I think this challenge and this book are important right now. http://31daystoclean.com/ is where I'm getting my inspiration.
This isn't really about having a messy house. My home isn't a complete disaster, but my heart sure is.
Oh, Steph, I didn't realize it was so bad. :( I can honestly tell you I've been in that dark place. I got there about two years ago. The circumstances that got me there were completely different, but I know how it feels to be in that place. It was the emptiest, loneliest, scariest, and saddest part of my life. It was so bad that I lived in that place without telling a single person, not even Mike. I don't know what prompted him to bring it up one night, as his faith has never seemed to be the most important thing in his life as it has been mine, but he did. I told him and literally sobbed so hard I could hardly speak. I never want to go back to that place again. It wasn't fun to go through, but in the end it brought me closer to God. Two years ago I thought that would never be possible. It was a terrible time in my life, but I'm now glad I not only went through it but pulled through it with God's help and can now be a witness for those going through the same thing - and I have been!
ReplyDeleteOver to the right, your Psalm for today says "Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though wars break out against me, even then will I be confident." Own these words. They are spoken to you from the of your Father, who loves you and knows every tear you've cried, every pain your heart has endured and every fear that has assaulted your faith. He is right there with you and He will never leave you nor will He ever forsake you. He WILL heal your messy heart and make you like brand new. I love you sweetheart, and you know you are never more than a heartbeat away from me <3
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